DAD IS UNSUPERVISED

My mother has gone overseas again for two weeks. This is not good for my Dad. He tends to lose the plot completely. I'm not sure if it is out of absolute excitement that he is free for two weeks or absolute panic when he realises he is incapable of doing anything without my mother. I check on him daily to make sure he hasn't been arrested, abducted or burnt down the house. The last time my mother went overseas he fell asleep with his helmet on, couldn't breathe and thought he was having a heart attack until he looked in the mirror.

I walked into the kitchen yesterday to find him holding the dogs paws and dancing to Frank Sinatra.

Me: Hi Dad. What you doing?
Dad: Baglett! It's all party, party, party here!
Me: I can see that. Did the washing machine explode?
Dad: No. I just leave items of clothing lying around. Cause I can.
Me: And I see the dogs are back inside the house.
Dad: Yes. I saw Your Dog with a screwdriver trying to change the locks so your mother can't get back in. (My Dad's new dog's name is 'Your Dog' since my mother spends her life telling my father 'Look what your dog did' and 'Get your dog out'. Now it's the only name the dog answers to.)
Me: Didn't you have a doctor's appointment today?
Dad: Yes I did. He said I'm a fat sh*t and I need to lose weight. Pass me the oil there Baglett.
Me: Dad, you can't eat steak if you're on diet.
Dad: I can when I eat it with this Weigh Less mushroom sauce I bought.
Me: That's a nice t shirt you're wearing. New?
Dad: Are you referring to my favourite t shirt? Bought in 1980 and still fits?
Me: It sits on your belly button Dad and only has one sleeve.
Dad: Yes but your mother won't let me wear it so I plan to wear it everyday until it disintegrates.
Me: Fair enough. I'm going to do some shopping and then I'm off.
Dad: Ok Baglett, check the bottom shelf, your mother stocked up on some new salad dressings - some goodies there for you. Pass me the paper towels. Apparently if you dab chips after frying them, you basically lose weight while you eat them!

And it's only day three...