OLD MAN RIVER

I went on a date with Old Man River. He is 45. But looks 35. I haven't worked out his secret yet but have made a mental note to conduct an intensive search of his facial products range. I did have a good look behind his ears and there were no surgery scars so I can only chalk it up to really good moisturiser or a botox addiction.

I've never been opposed to dating older men but 45 years was slightly out of my age range. But knowing him as I do now, he is a very young 45 year old and combined with my insane level of maturity, our conversation flows pretty smoothly. I make a conscious attempt to avoid words such as 'kiff', 'lank' and the second world war because I think he may fought in it.

Obviously this new development is very entertaining to the family and friends and dinner on Friday with The Father, The Greeks and The Queen was very entertaining.

Mrs Greek: Sooooo did your daughter tell you she went on a date the other night?
Me: Dad you might know him - he's 45! Don't you old people all know each other?
The Father: No Baglett, I don't know him. What worries me is that you do.
Me: I can't help it I'm so mature that I have to date older men.
The Father: You and The Queen have a dress up box Baglett.
Me: So we wear hats when we drink at her house. That's not immature, that's the law.
Mr Greek: What school did he go to?
Me: I'm not sure, I was born the year he matriculated, so the school probably doesn't even exist anymore.
The Queen: What do you guys talk about?
Mrs Greek: Incontinence and dentures
Me: We talk about normal things. He's very intelligent and cultured. He loves the theatre and museums.
The Queen: Is he one of the exhibits?

They will be meeting Old Man River this evening and have been briefed accordingly. There will be no curtsying, no one is to shout when speaking to him, no slang must be used followed by an explanation and no one is allowed to ask him if he was on Titanic.