REFORMED GROUPIE

Apologies for the silence, I was put on bed rest. And while I did wake up next to The Sailor one morning and he reiterated this fact, I pointed out that my doctor never specified whose bed I was supposed to rest in.

I went to watch Bed on Bricks on Saturday in Scarborough. There is nothing about that sentence that makes sense to me. Firstly, I'm not a diehard Bed on Bricks fan and secondly, places like Scarborough scare me. I'm constantly afraid that I will be abducted by a tie dyed wearing hippy and forced into some cult where I eat magic mushrooms all day and have twenty kids with twenty different dads. And if there was one thing my mother taught me, it was that having twenty kids with twenty different dads is wrong. Dad was wavering on the eating magic mushrooms thing.

But since it was the Eternal Students birthday, I made the effort and went along. First mistake was wearing an expensive flowing dress. While I'm au fait with places like Kirstenbosch Gardens with actual grass, I was sitting on rocks and twigs. I sat there asking The Queen questions like 'Is this what Woodstock was like?'. Apparently this was funny. As funny as when I asked if U2 was performing. I watched while The Queen and The Eternal Student went mad on the dance floor and were holding kids that weren't their own. It will take force for me to hold my own kids, voluntarily holding a strangers child while dancing, in the daylight, to music that seemed to be a lot of shouting is my idea of hell.

But it was when a dog came and peed next to me that I had no choice but to join them. Two hours later I was still on the dance floor, going mad and screaming. I may as well have jumped on stage and then dived off it. I was screaming 'I love Bed on Sticks!' until the kid I was holding (it seemed to be the accessory of the day) said 'It's Bed on Bricks stupid'. I passed the kid back to her mom and went to the lead singer to ask for him an autograph. The Queen saw it in my eyes but it was too late to stop me. She watched in slow motion while I went to the band and before she could stop me, I said, 'I'll put my bed on your bricks'.

Oh dear.