Apologies for yesterday, The Brother arrived from London and I’ve only just got the power of sight back. It’s like looking at an eclipse. He’s off to the beach now. If you see him, don’t look directly at him. Just a warning.
On a separate note, I haven’t been this hungover since the peach schnapps incident of ’96.
Considering it vitally important to see The Queen’s birthday in properly last night, I dedicated Queen’s ‘We are the champions’ to her while drinking champers. Once she had finished sliding down the banister, she ran up to me mortified that I had announced to the club that it was her birthday. The fact that she had asked the car guard, the bouncer, the barmen and the cleaning lady to sing happy birthday to her was besides the point.
There was one particular low point last night with one particular asshole. I can only assume his family shares a brain and it was his night to lend it to his cousin. Who is also his wife. Nothing I could say or do could get rid of this guy and the only thing that was entertaining was the crowd that was gathering listening to our conversation.
Village Idiot: Can I explain something to you?
Me: I hope it’s an explanation as to why you’re wearing that shirt.
VI: I’ve been married for five years and they’ve been the happiest years of my life.
Me: So why is your wife crying?
VI: That’s not my wife.
Me: Sorry, she must be the last person you spoke to.
VI: So, like, can I buy you a drink?
Me: Only if you promise to leave.
VI: I own a gun shop.
Firstly, this statement had no relation to the conversation and secondly, telling someone like me that that you own a gun shop is tantamount to telling me that you run a dog fighting syndicate.
Me: Do you shoot blanks?
VI: My guns can shoot anything.
Me: Would you be able to shoot me because I can’t see another way out of talking to you.
The Village Idiot was finally collected by his cousin/wife who threw a couple of daggers in my direction. She was clearly under the misapprehension that I was enjoying the conversation with her husband/cousin and I had in some way encouraged it. When they walked away he turned to his cousin/wife and said ‘That chick was into me.’
Delusional is the new black.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
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7 comments:
"I own a gun shop" WTF???? I can only imagine how bad the shirt was if he was spewing such crap from his mouth...
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA O h my god that was hilarious laughed out loud
F*kin' fantastic - almost peed in my pants.
Asking for an IQ test along with ID should be required at most venues, IMO.
I've loved lurking here and wait with anticipation for every instalment of the world that is Baglett, but please please tell us this: Now that Dad is no longer unsupervised; has the fur on the dog's tail grown back yet? How long before Mum noticed the slightly off-colour, smokey-smelling kitchen and what happened next?
Have a great afternoon!
I think I also met the village idiot's twin bastard brother last night... he looked like dozi mixed with patricia lewis with just a tad of ozzy osbourne... condolences baglett!
ok. freaky
sorry - i have been 'out of touch' the last few days and only read this entry now - my god that was funny - i think i popped my stitch!lol
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