A REALLY BAD FIGHT CLUB

I love a good argument. There’s nothing better than screaming and shouting knowing there really isn’t much chance of you losing. And I’m usually quite good at it. I like using big words like anthropomorphize and ubiquitous to confuse my opponent and make him lose his train of thought. I like my fights to be short, punchy and full of mature statements like ‘No you shutup.’ Followed by ‘WHAT did you just say to me?’ only to be used in situations where I actually didn’t understand what was said to me so I have to ask the obvious. They immediately back down because they now think they’ve crossed a fine fighting line. If there’s a chance I am actually in the wrong I like to meaningless phrases or questions that really have no impact but make the opponent think. Statements like ‘You’re being defensive’ and ‘You’re begging the question’. I have no idea what that means but it was used on me once and threw me completely off.

Fighting with the Wine Merchant however is NOT fun. He’s a lingerer. A fighter who likes to think about each and every word he says and each and every word said to him. Kinda like Bold and the Beautiful when they say something and then stare out the window for a half an hour. Hence I tend to avoid arguing with him not because I don’t win but because I fall asleep while he’s thinking of his next comeback.

Me: Well you’re a in a mood
Wine Merchant: I’m not in a mood Baglett, I just want to talk about this and you keep avoiding it.
Me: Let’s download Catherine Tate videos and watch them all night.
WM: Baglett you’re doing it again. What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me: Or not. I’m not bovered.
WM: Baglett!
Me: Listen buddy, I’m not in the mood for an argument with you right now, I’m tired and don’t think I can fight to the best of my ability. Let’s postpone till next Thursday, same place, same time?
WM: This is not a joke Baglett, you always do this. I’m so sick of it.
Me: You’re begging the question.
WM: WTF? What question?

Oooh slight problem here. No ones ever questioned the question.

Me: Stop being so defensive.
WM: You’re not making any sense Baglett.

Dammit. It’s not working.

Me: Why do you always anthropomorphize everything?
WM: I’m not!

Ooooh he’s better than I thought. Time for dramatic exit.

Me: Ok you’re clearly not going to give this up. I’m leaving.
WM: If you leave now, don’t bother coming back.
Me: Seriously?!
WM: Yes.
Me: Fine. (Another one of those big words I mentioned earlier)

Usually I just drive down the road and wait for five minutes before going back, but being a little parched I drove down the road to the shops, got lost and ended up on the highway to Pretoria. The Wine Merchant anticipating my return, got worried and called. When I explained that I took his words to heart (and could he direct me to Sandton) he apologised.

Technically, that was a win.