YUSSUS

Crises but Jo’burg is dry in Winter. I’ve started using night cream during the day and am considering bathing in two thirds oil, one third water before bed. It hurts to smile and pieces of my face keep falling off. I’m losing skin by the second here.

Also struggling to get used to the chameleon that is The Wine Merchant. Listening to him on the phone this morning was possibly my most frightening experience to date.

Wine Merchant: Hello Wine Merchant speaking.
WM: Boet! Howzit hiiiiii! Lark I was just sayin, it’s been time since we jolled hey. When we going for a dop?

Stare at him mouthing the words ‘Who are you?’

WM: Izit? Ya my boet, it's shweet hey.

Drop cup.

WM: Sorry boet, my missus is giving me the eye.

Start weeping.

WM: Ok give my love to the girl.

Sweet f*ck.

Me: Who are you?
WM: What do you mean?
Me: What do you mean ‘what do I mean’? What the f*ck is ‘lark’?
WM: It’s ‘like’.
Me: Well say that then.
WM: He’s from the South, you’ve gotta speak their language.
Me: Can’t he speak North?
WM: Don’t be a snob Baglett.
Me: I’m not being a snob but my ears are very sensitive to words like ‘missus’, ‘boet’ and the only reason I ‘gave you the eye’ was because I was crying. Don’t ever let my mother hear you talk like that, she’ll send you straight to finishing school.
WM: And your dad?
Me: He won’t even notice.