IT WASN'T KIRSTENBOSCH

Bless the Wine Merchant’s cotton socks. He’s been suffering from Bleeding Ear Syndrome since he met me while I compare every bit of Jo’burg to the wonders of Cape Town, specifically Kirstenbosch concerts on Sundays. Stories of packed picnic baskets with Woolies finest, flowing wine and the obligatory roll down the hill after the concert is finished. Why? Because we were hammered and it was fun. So yesterday, as a supplies! We drove in the direction of the Jo’burg Zoo and on closer inspection, there were crowds of people with picnic baskets and banners advertising a concert. I couldn’t have been more excited. When I saw the picnic basket he bought with all my favourite calorie-packed goodies, I was beside myself. And as a zebra- patterned buggy drove us through the zoo to our destination, I was about to marry the funny accented man. And then we started unpacking.

Me: What is this?
Wine Merchant: It’s a blanket.
Me: It’s a funny coloured quilt.
WM: I couldn’t find a blanket.
Me: But you managed to find a baby’s blanky?
WM: Shutup Baglett. Just eat.
Me: Where are the knives?
WM: Shit.
Me: This is a tin.
WM: Well spotted.
Me: But there’s no tin opener.
WM: I thought we could use the knife.

An hour later after sourcing a knife and a tin opener, we started eating. At about the same time the sun came out in all its 40 degree glory.

Me: Sweet child of mine, it's hot.
WM: Well you’re dressed like you’re in the Cold War.
Me: You told me to.
WM: This is true.

After 40 minutes of trying to eat tzatziki with a straw and hiding under the baby’s blanket for shelter from the hotter than hell sun, we were now at each other’s throats. Mainly because I was being ungrateful bitch but also because had he told me we were going for a picnic, I would have packed a picnic. Not a Red Cross food parcel sent to a POW camp.

When the singer started singing ‘We are the world, we are the children’ and the thousands of picnickers got up, held each others hands up in the air and swayed back and forth while singing, we packed up and hightailed it out of there. I cheered up somewhat while walking through the zoo I was able to make my favourite animal references.

‘How’s it hanging?’ to the monkeys; ‘Aren’t you a foxy lady?’ to the bat eared foxes and ‘They’re polar opposites’ to the polar bears fighting in the corner and my personal favourite ‘I don’t give a hoot’ when The WM pointed out the owls.

Awwww fun times.