PUBLIC FREAKING

Today did not start off well. I went to a school in Bedfordview (I’ll save you the story of me hitting Galloolies interchange, which they’ve moved again BTW FYI) and was interviewing a disabled matriculant who is pretty much the male version of Natalie Du Toit. This boy is friggin amazing and makes you really think twice about calling the pimple on your chin ‘life threatening’.

And while I had the utmost respect for this guy and was completely inspired by his story, and had been interviewing him for over an hour about his lack of arms and how he copes on a day to day basis and in his spare time swims and wins a treasure chest of gold medals, I had a small out-of-body experience as I watched this person who looked like me, talked like me (Jungle Book anyone?) and had great highlights, say goodbye to this Boy Wonder and then… put her hand out to shake his.

WTF was I thinking?

The universe was clearly watching and thought I must be punished immediately. Arriving at my scheduled meeting, the receptionist explained that the teacher I was meeting with was currently in assembly. No problem I answered as I took a seat and started hot teacher spotting. No, no she answered, I will take you there. ‘There’ turned out to be the school hall. Just as I was watching the assembly of over 500 children where the girls were getting shat on for wearing serviettes as skirts, I heard…

Headmistress: …wear what you want on the weekends but not on my time. And now we have a surprise guest! Please all stand and welcome Baglett.
Me: Who?

This was followed by 500 pairs of clapping hands while I was escorted onto a stage the size of a Navy Seal Stealth ship and whispered to ‘Would you mind just giving the students a brief run down of what it is you do’.


F*ck.

Me: Hi you guys
Headmistress: Um, please address them as pupils.

Listen man-dressed-as-woman, you did not give me the heads up here and I’m confronted with 500 teenage angst-ridden, very judgmental kids all staring at me and I have f*ck all clue what to say to them. Had you given me the memo on how to address school assembly, I would have never committed the apparent assembly sin that I just did. Or be here in the first place but that’s beside the point.

Me: Sorry, hi PUPILS. So I wasn’t planning to be standing in front of you today, or tomorrow or anytime really so it goes without saying that I have no idea what to tell you. (Followed by nervous giggle) How about you ask me questions and I’ll answer them, if I can. Or want to.

Really long awkward pause where everyone looked at each other and a general feeling of discomfort, mainly stemming from me, rippled throughout the vast assembly.

What felt like 30 dog years went by until a girl’s hand shot up and the whole school turned to see and hear what this brave young PUPIL had to say.

Girl: Um hi Miss Baglett, um, so, like, um, where did you get your shoes?

And I loved that girl right then more than I loved my shoes. This was followed by a run down on exactly where I got my items of clothing, where I like to shop and the insane price of foundation.

While I’m sure our little chat was not what the school had in mind, I like to think I educated a small percentage of our youth this morning on the importance of a good foundation and that if pretty, no shoe is too small and if you really want an item of clothing, your dad will get it for you.