'THE SALTING'

I went to the movies last night with the Wine Merchant. Embarrassingly after six months, it was the first time I was seeing a movie in Jo’burg. But Matt McConaughey told me specifically to watch his latest movie so I dragged the Wine Merchant with me.

I took it for granted that The Wine Merchant would know my movie-going policy. ‘You pay for everything in exchange for the pleasure of my company’. It’s a simple arrangement and has always worked well for me.

Once the arrangement was explained to him, highlighting the benefits, we headed off for the main focus of the evening: the popcorn and coke.

The man ordered a small popcorn (correct) with a small coke. WTF? Clearly, had he known what procedure I was about to perform, he would never have ordered the small to small ratio. Correcting the order of small popcorn with LARGE coke, we headed to salt table, where we had a slight disagreement over the amount of salt I was dousing my popcorn with.

Wine Merchant: Baglett, what the hell are you doing?
Me: Just a bit more salt and vinegar…
WM: Sweet Jesus Baglett.
Me: And a touch of aromat….
WM: Baglett, people are staring.
Me: This is a fine art, mess this up and we’ll have to come back for more. Now for the final layer of butter…
WM: Are you done?
Me: Yes. Now give me yours.
WM: Not a chance.

Sitting through a movie with me after ‘the salting’ is like having a date with a ninety-year-old suffering from a serious respiratory disease.

WM: Stop coughing Baglett.
Me: Can’t. Help. It. (Followed by another raspy salt powder-full cough) This is followed by a launch at partner’s coke. Not obiding by the law of popcorn ordering, the guy had only got a small coke which was now finished. Rookie.

Clutch throat and feign dying until he goes to fetch another coke.

Wm: Here. One more cough and we’re watching Terminator Salvation.

With that as a threat, I managed to sit in silence and finish off my entire box of popcorn. And his.

When the credits rolled, he turned to me and asked me whether he thought it was worth subjecting him to 100 minutes of Matt McConaughey.

Me: Lumpo
WM: What?
Me: Mmm, lllppp
WM: Are you drunk?

Point at lips and mouth the words,

Me: Lip Ice. Make it snappy.

Four large glasses of wine later to quench my thirst, I was a very happy little movie goer. Can’t say the same for the Wine Merchant. He clearly doesn’t know what he’s missing.