NOT GOING WELL

The Housemate has selfishly left me and buggered off to London for two weeks. One way to make someone miss you and realise how you take them for granted is to bugger off and leave them to fend for themselves for 14 days and nights.

We have a great living arrangement, she does all the cooking, sorts out the maid, does boring things like pay the phone bill and buy the correct lightbulbs and batteries. In turn I entertain with witty comments and funny jokes. It worked when lived together in London, and it works now. So when she left, she was naturally concerned.

Housemate: So you will pay the bill?
Me: Of course! Who’s Bill?
HM: The phone bill.
Me: I’m all over it. How do I do that?
HM: You go a shop and pay for it at the till.
Me: Easy. So I stand in the queue that says ‘Phone bills’.
HM: No. You stand in any queue.
Me: The one that says ‘Less than ten items’?
HM: Sure. Unless you’ve got more than ten phone bills.
Me: Really?!
HM: No. And please, please water the plants.
Me: Those would be the green leafy things.
HM: Well spotted. I’ve left the watering can near them as a reminder.
Me: Good for you. How often do those bad boys drink?
HM: Unlike you, once a day.
Me: Gotcha. Now don’t worry about a thing and have an amazing time. And remember me when you pass though Duty Free.

So far, I’ve managed to break the watering can and kill two out of eight plants. I remember hearing that if you talk to plants, they grow. I’ve been reading to them, brought them inside to watch DVDs, and played every song with the word ‘grow’ in them. These little bastards have done nothing but point their leaves in the direction of the soil as if to say ‘That’s the direction we’re going.’

I also went to pay the phone bill but left the actual bill at home. Two days down and 12 to go. This weekend will be spent at the nursery buying plant look-alikes and trying to find the phone bill which I think the plants stole to piss me off.