If you ever want to make me happy, take me to a convention centre filled with free wine. Winex in particular. I was beside myself with excitement on Friday night; grabbing my glass and moving from one amazing wine to the next, bumping into familiar faces along the way. My mother always taught me never to waste food, my Dad taught never to waste wine, so I don’t. Which perhaps isn’t the best idea when you’re tasting over a hundred wines. By 8 o clock, I was wafting through the convention centre, having lost all the people I came with, in search of food. The Wine Merchant found me at an olive stand dipping a loaf worth of bread into a bucket of olive oil.
WM: What are you doing?
ME: I’m starving! Where’s the food?
WM: This is a WINE festival, not a food festival Baglett.
ME: I’ve eaten every cracker this place has to offer.
WM: And now you’ve eaten all their olives and moved onto their bread stock.
ME: Well you shouldn’t pour people copious amounts of wine without giving them food.
WM: The idea is, Baglett, that you taste and then spit, you don’t have to drink everything you’re given.
WM: Shutup your face! That’s no fun at ALL! Shouldn’t you be at your stand rather than judging me for my obscene wine consumption?
WM: I need you to stand there for a few minutes while I talk to someone.
ME: Me?! Really?! Out of all these people?! I’m honoured!
WM: Well I’m desperate. And Baglett, it’s a stand, so STAND. Don’t sit there and drink the products.
ME: Can’t promise anything.
The excitement of being behind the stand as a fancy wine person rather than a lowly customer was just too much for me. I was now joining all wine experts round the world, just by standing there, I was becoming knowledgeable. I managed to convince myself that I was now a wine expert. I stood proudly at the stand, very aware of my new position, waiting for my first customer.
Me: Hi there
Customer: Evening, can I try your Chenin?
Awww MY Chenin.
Me: Of course!
Customer: Just a sip is fine. I don’t need a whole glass.
Me: I’ve got a ‘no stingy policy’ at my stand.
Customer: Well I’ve got a ‘not getting drunk policy’.
Tough crowd.
Customer: What grapes do you use?
Me: Green ones?
Customer: Riiiiiight. And barrels?
Me: Big ones.
Customer: No, what barrels are they kept in?
Me: Wooden ones.
Customer: You don’t know much about wine do you?
Me: I know I love it.
Customer: Do you even work in the industry?
Me: What do you mean!? I work the industry.
With the Wine Merchant in earshot and realising quickly I was doing him no favours, he rushed up to the stand.
WM: Hi sir, excuse Baglett, she does not in fact work for us, she was manning the stand.
Me: I was womanning the stand actually, no need for sexism.
WM: Baglett SIT!
Nothing worse than an angry Wine Merchant. Thankfully, from where I was sitting I was able to help myself to the world’s supply of crackers which helped to soak the litres of wine I had inhaled.
To sum up what I learned
- eat before tasting a gazillion wines
- try not to finish all the wine
- barrels in wine making are a very important factor in wine making, it’s not just about them being wooden apparently.
Don’t ever say I don’t teach you things.
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Monday, November 2, 2009
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4 comments:
Brilliant Bags, u such a classic, pity it wasn't a cheese and wine festival then u could have balanced it a bit better :)
lol my boet always told me, if u ever plan on drinking lots of beer (ok not wine), have half a loaf of bread before u go out... seems he had learnt the same lesson as u :)
My daughter also worked Winex. Her first week with her new company. Wonder how she answered all those w(h)iney customers, her being new to the company and all!
I went to the Winex in Cape Town. Didn't spit out a drop. And eventually they were too familiar with my face at the Diemersfontein stand so I had to send all my friends in for my third, fourths and fifths of the Pinotage (which they served with a teensy chip of divine chocolate) - I found a food stall where I bought a HUGE roll and then after that I ate all the strawberries, crackers, bread, olives that I could before the stand manners/wommaners glared at me. I was still pretty wobbly on my pins when I went home. Yay Winex
I'm officially off the wine for a while. I'm coonvinced it's making me fat. And if it's not the wine, then it must be the munchies I get on it or the the next day's binge eating from the hangover munchies.
Please don't ever go off the wine though Baglett! Loving your material!
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